Written in February 1993


That’s what I’ve got.
That empty, helpless, draining feeling.
Fatigued, not much energy left within me.
Some people don’t understand it.
Sure, I should be sad about Melody and Rob dying.
You know, they were my sister and my boyfriend.
But that was in October and November of 1992.
Four months ago.
Some would say it’s time to start getting over it and just about back to normal again.
Time to start getting out more, with friends and on dates.
Besides, Melody and Rob would not want me mourning over them because they are in a better place.
Some say I’m still young and can find another boyfriend.
Some say time heals all wounds and it will get better –
All good-intentioned cliches to help me beat this depression.
But it’s not that easy.
Not when your heart is involved.
Not when it is your sister. Your 22-year-old sister whom you have grown up with.
Not when it is your boyfriend who fought so hard to stay alive after his traumatic car accident, only 3 years after his diving accident..
Nobody want to experience this long lasting and enduring depression that I have felt the last four months.
I wonder when, if ever, it will go away.
Others who have experienced a deep loss know what I am talking about.
They’ve been there, they know.
But wait —
Depression is not a bad thing, you know.
You can learn to become friends with it.
It can do many positive things for you.
I am learning things I never would have learned any other way.
The important things – things that are eternal.
Knowing my God more intimately.
No longer cramming in daily quiet times, Sunday morning church, memorizing Scripture, and praying, to appease my conscience.
It’s about Jesus Christ.
A personal relationship with Him.
Doing everything possible to get to know Him in a more intimate way because of His love for me.
It’s about my family – the people I love – spending time with them making good memories, not knowing how many days on earth I have to spend with them.
So, please, my friend, allow me to learn the painful lessons which accompany the loss of a loved one.
Thie never-ending depression which I long to overcome.
It will be okay. I will become stronger and learn to adjust.
In time, I will adjust to Melody and Rob no longer being an important part of my life.
Though I must tell you something.
I will never be the same.
I will never be the Kelli you once knew.
I will be a stronger person, able to endure much hardship.
I will be more sensitive to others who experience deep grief.
I will be able to relate to others who experience pain and grief.
And finally, I will be able to relate to my Savior who also suffered much and died on a cross so He could have a personal, intimate relationship with me.

Kelli Horn

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